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Surfing the Waves of Grief

Writer's picture: Henry-Cameron AllenHenry-Cameron Allen

A journey of letting be, letting go, and letting in.

by Jaimie Lusk, Psy.D.

Reposted from Psychology Today, January 28, 2025


Key Points:

  • There is no "normal" way to grieve; any reaction to loss is valid.

  • Letting be means allowing yourself to feel your emotions without judgment.

  • Letting go involves releasing limiting beliefs, behaviors, and attachments.

  • Letting in requires opening yourself to new experiences, connections, and growth.


Sometimes the waves are so big we just gotta get through them.
Sometimes the waves are so big we just gotta get through them.

Whether it's the end of a romantic relationship, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a cherished dream, grief is a natural response to the void left behind. In this post, we'll explore the concept of grief through the lens of "Let be, Let go, Let in” (Hanson, 2013), a framework that encourages us to embrace our emotions, release what no longer serves us, and open ourselves to new possibilities. This framework is not meant to be linear—more like a recipe with three ingredients—you need to keep "tasting the sauce" to see what you need to add next.


Coping With Loss Part 1: Let Be

There is no "normal" way to grieve. Despite the popularity of stage theories like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief (1969), research has shown that any reaction to loss is valid. You might feel a wide range of emotions, from sadness and anger to fear, guilt, relief, joy, confusion, or shock. Some people recover quite quickly. These are all "normal" reactions as you adapt to your new reality.


Sadness and mourning serve an evolutionary purpose, allowing our bodies to slow down and recover from loss while signaling to others that we need their support. Some people require rituals, mourning, and the help of others to "work through" the loss, while others experience low levels of distress. Waves of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, and fear are all normal responses; it's also common to feel nothing, or to experience disorientation.

Take a moment to reflect on what you're feeling right now related to your most recent loss. What did you tell yourself was “not normal” about your reaction? What did you try to avoid? Perhaps your self-judgements and avoidance could be re-evaluated in light of current research.


You may never be done with difficult feelings related to your loss. Some losses will evoke sadness, hardship, guilt, or anger for a lifetime. However, as you slowly digest your emotional experiences, the loss can be integrated, and a new way of seeing the world can emerge. Emotions are energy in motion. If we “fight the current” and try to suppress or hold onto our emotions, we add fatigue and discouragement to our grief. Instead, let the energy of each emotion move through you, like allowing yourself to move with ebb and flow of a wave in the ocean.


Coping With Loss Part 2: Let Go

Are you holding onto limiting beliefs that prevent you from moving forward after your loss? Examples might include thoughts like "I am unlovable," "I won't find another relationship as good as that one," or "It's not fair." It could be fear, a grudge, resentment, or a sense of low worth that you know you could act on to challenge. It might be a behavior that you know is keeping you stuck, such as staying in bed, isolating yourself, engaging in retail therapy, or compulsive sex. It could even be something you're insisting others do, like driving a certain way or treating you a specific way. If you recognize that something is continually limiting you, maybe it's time to let go.


Ask yourself: What do I need to let go of? How can I do it?

  • Step back from your situation and get perspective. Listen to your heart. What are you yearning for? Is it possible to honor the value behind your longing, even though what you have lost is gone forever?

  • Create ritual to let go of what you are holding so tightly:

    • Find a small rock that represents what you have been holding onto. Let your feelings and values flow through your awareness. Feel the cost and the weight of holding onto this rock. When you are ready, open your hand and drop it; maybe into a river, or in a garden where it is part of a new ecosystem. Be open as well to any sense of relief, freedom, ease, or insight.

    • Take the letter you wrote and read above, and ceremonially say goodbye by doing something with the letter (have a surfers' funeral for it? Burn it? Send it to outer space? Bury it and plant a tree so it becomes fertilizer? Make it into pottery? Something creative that has meaning for you. Humans need ceremony—our bodies need to do something to catch up with our minds—so choose something creative that resonates with you.


Coping With Loss Part 3: Let In

Something that brought you security, joy, and meaning is gone. So, what now? There is a whole planet of beings—people, animals, plants—and beauty—stars, oceans, etc. How can you re-envision ways to feel those feelings and get those needs met? Notice the space your loss has left in your heart. When you are ready, let new connections in. This is not the same as “making yourself feel good," which is a strategy for suppressing and controlling grief. This will not help you move through difficult waves of emotion that hit you. As Dr. O’Conner described, it’s cultivating the ability "to be able to jump into the puddle of grief and jump out of it again” (Hanson, 2022). The ability to touch grief and still touch goodness in life is healthy grieving.


  • Navigate loneliness: Do what you know you can do to connect with others. If you were in the desert with no water supply, you would soak up whatever you could—sucking on cactuses, drinking dirty water. If you are “in the desert” of connection, don't be picky! Internalize readily available social supplies. Did someone smile at you? Does your neighbor like you? Did someone say they appreciate you? Do you feel seen? Does someone love you? Then, you are richer than many—let it in!

  • Experience small delights. Between waves of difficult emotions, find yourself present to your body, jumping into the puddle of grief as difficult emotions arise, and finding solid ground as your body contacts glimpses beauty, pleasure, comfort, and awe.

  • Let in self-compassion. First, let go of self-judgements, and stay with your experience. Second, join the tribe of lonely grievers, and do what you can to relieve the suffering of yourself and others.

  • Remember what you love about your loved one and honor it through self-expression, ceremony and ritual. “Grief expressed out loud, unchoreographed and honest, for someone we have lost, or a country or home we have lost, is in itself the greatest praise we could ever give them. Grief is praise, because it is the natural way love honors what it misses” (Prechtel, 2015). Maybe you could express your praise and grief by:

    • Finding pictures and setting up a memorial

    • Going to a memorial website or gravesite

    • Getting a bracelet or tattoo

    • Constructing a physical memorial such as a plaque or statue in a public place

    • Donating money or services in memory of the loss

    • Organizing and leading a celebration of the life for your loss

    • Writing a tribute (or compiling a photo collage) to the loss

    • Making a playlist honoring the lost

    • Watching a movie that helps you remember and take perspective

    • Continue your heart connection: Rumi wrote, "Your body is away from me, but there is a window open from my heart to yours. From this window, like the moon, I keep sending news secretly."


In the midst of grief, we can be still, let go of what is gone forever, and have faith in the waiting itself, and notice the whispers of new connections, the unseen beauty, and the echoes of laughter as our awareness of life creeps back in. By embracing the process of "Let be, Let go, Let in," we can navigate the waves of grief with greater ease, finding solace in the knowledge that our emotions are valid, our losses can be honored, and new possibilities can be discovered on the horizon.

Grief Reimagined. Purpose Empowered.




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